Top 12 of '12

In honor of the culmination of the year 2012 (WE SURVIVED A MAYAN ALIEN ATTACK, OR WHATEVER THAT WHOLE THING WAS ABOUT!!!), this is a countdown of my top 12 favorite posts I made during the past year.

Yes, this is my blog's version of a clip show.

Enjoy!

12. The Self Aware Aspie  (12/23/12) - how a diagnosis helps an Aspie and others understand their situation.

11. Feeling Out of Place (8/15/12) - I get the feeling that I don't belong.

10. Friday Night Anti-Socialite  (11/3/12) - I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable at a social gathering.

9. Like I'm Not Even There  (4/6/12) - Nobody listens to my awesome ideas.

8. Perfectionism (7/15/12) - Why can't everything be right?

7. The Dentist (1/25/12) - I suffer through a trip to the dentist.

6. Dunkin Donuts Ruins My Day (1/10/12) - It's the little things that drive me mad.

5. Hi, Nice to Meet You. By the Way, I Have Aspergers. (10/15/12) - How does one drop the Aspie bomb?

4. I'M NORMAL!!! (for once) (10/16/12) - I surprise myself with my unexpectedly rational behavior.

3. The Challenges of Being an Aspie and a Parent  (6/28/12) - You think being an NT parent is hard?

2. Unseen Health Risks of Aspergers (2/23/12) - A doctor's office can be a scary place.

1. Facing the Truth  (8/6/12) - Aspies will save the world!

The Self Aware Aspie

Some people wonder exactly what a diagnosis of Aspergers gets them. Government assistance? Nope. Special insurance considerations? Doubt it. The understanding, care, and love of the general public? Far from it. Some not-so-gracious people may even see the diagnosis as an excuse for acting strangely. I'll tell you what the Aspergers diagnosis gives me - piece of mind. It allows me to personally understand what's going on, both in my brain and the brain of my daughter.

It's not easy for any parent to deal with the meltdowns that inevitably come with an Aspie child. You can hear a lot of things that can hurt you. An Aspergers diagnosis can help you better understand what your child is going through, what your child is really saying when s/he screams "I HATE YOU!" It helps you realize that it's a stress release, not an attack. Not that it washes your hands of your responsibility of your child, but it absolves you of blame for the tantrum.

In some cases, the diagnosis may be helpful for the child directly. My wife and I have talked to my daughter about her Aspergers; she knows that sometimes she just needs to let off some steam, and we've provided her a safe place to do that. When a tantrum occurs, she will loudly annouce to everyone (though heavy sobbing) that she "just need[s] to go upstairs and cry." And she does. And when she's finished, everything's okay and she knows we still love her. This out-of-control feeling could be very scary to a child who doesn't understand, but the diagnosis of Aspergers helps her understand that this stuff is normal... for her, anyway.

In ths case of adult Aspies like myself (note: although I haven't been formally diagnosed, I pretty much accept the fact that I do have Aspergers), a diagnosis can help with self-discovery in very much the same way. It can give you insight on why you do the compulsive things you do, and how to handle certain situations in order to diffuse tantrums before they happen. The other day I was trying to make lunch for my family, and I kept running into roadblock after roadblock (not enough ingredients, missing supplies, etc.) until finally I felt it coming on... I was going to blow. But before I did, I took a deep breath, looked at my wife, and said, "I need to go upstairs for a moment before i start tantruming." I did just that - I laid on the bed, closed my eyes, and just laid there. After a minute or two, I had regained enough composure to come back downstairs to make lunch with the stuff I had to work with.

It's funny - my wife and I had to really fight to get our daughter diagnosed with Aspergers. At first, we agreed that the diagnosis didn't really affect us or our love for our daughter; she was the same kid she always was and we wouldn't treat her any differently. The diagnosis at that time was mainly for the benefit of others, to understand why she acts the way she does and in order to get her the care she needed at school and such. But recently I've seen that the diagnosis has helped us, but not in the "We're ok with it" way. The diagnosis helps in understanding her, making her life and our lives more fulfilling by working with her needs as an Aspie. The diagnosis of Aspergers doesn't define me or my daughter, but it is part of who we are.

Rejection!

So I'm feeling down today because one of my idea for my SBB course project got shot down like Porkins attacking the Death Star, so now I feel completely dumb and stupid.

It goes like this: for my SBB course I need to write an evidence based research paper that is publication-ready. For those of you who speak regular English, I basically have to write a thesis paper based on blood bank stuff. While we were discussing the project in Indiana, everyone in my class seemed to have these great original research ideas that included novel ideas, applying to review boards, doing trial experiments, etc.

I had nothing.

After some thinking, I came up with what I thought was a good and interesting idea (I won't bore you with the details, because you won't get past this paragraph without falling asleep in your own drool puddle). My education coordinator was a little concerned that it wouldn't work out, so I asked the director of my lab what he thought and if he could help.

For his answer, see above.

So yeah, feeling kinda stupid today. I know that rejection is just a thing and it's the idea not me and it's no big deal and I was maybe overreaching and.... whatever. I don't do well with rejection. It's why I never really took writing seriously. But it's not only that. Everyone else in my class seems to be so researchy-cool and know what they are doing. Am I the guy they are all looking at and thinking, "Well, at least I'm not as dumb as that guy"?

I do have a couple of other ideas that I can use. I just have to settle on one fast, since the plan proposal is due like... now. But I guess I'll just have to figure something out and get the job done, one way or another.

Or else, I'll just fail.
(That one's for you, honey)  ;)

Conference Call

Ok, so I've been stressing out a bit about next week. I have my first test in my online course next week, but that's not the worst of things. The thing I'm stressing out the most about is a conference call that is scheduled for Sunday.

First off, I'm working midnights this weekend, so I'm going to be sleepish during the whole thing. Second, the entire class and I will be meeting on Skype to discuss... whatever we are going to discuss. I'm still learning the ins and outs of Skype, so I have no idea if it's going to go well or not. I also have no idea what's expected of me in this phone call.

I expected the learning and the work to be the hard part of this course. That stuff seems to me moving along pretty well. It's all of this other talking-to-people stuff that is becoming a chore.

I Wish I Was Special

I've been busy the past week or two with a whole bunch of stuff. I just came back from a week in Indiana for the Orientation Week of an online course I am taking. I'm taking the course to become an SBB, or Specialist in Blood Banking. Basically, I'll be learning every single in-and-out detail of my job. Hopefully it will give me better qualifications for promotion or a supervisor job someday, which means more responsibility for not a whole lot more money.

The orientation week was... interesting. The point of the orientation was to make sure we had all the materials we needed to start, as well as to get to know and interact with the other people who are taking the course alongside me.

What, what? Interaction with people? I paid $3000 for this?

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

Actually, it went pretty well and I had a great time! The beginning of the week was somewhat awkward. It felt like forced socialization, which I find almost as enjoyable as bathing my eyeballs in rubbing alcohol. But the classroom/learning setting allowed me to kind of settle in and focus on the information rather than being normal. By Friday I actually enjoyed talking with these people, which is good because I'll be conferring with them on projects and stuff throughout the year.

I think what helped me warm up to these people was that:
a) I realized that these people were interested in and passionate about many of the same things I was. I could talk shop with them and not worry about looking like a dork.
and...
b) Thursday night, the education coordinator took us out to dinner and paid for everything including alcohol, and I got a little buzzed.  :)

But seriously, I was able to talk to these people because I realized they were like me - nerd-ish people who were interested in advancing their knowledge because they wanted to. And they wanted to be there bad enough that they were willing to pay for it. And talking about work with these people led to other conversations where I was able to actually share (gulp) personal things about myself. And it was fun!

Now the hard work begins - a full year of busting my ass to pass this course. Wish me luck!

I'M NORMAL!!! (for once)

So I did something today that was VERY out of character...

I was assigned by my wife to pick up lunch while picking up my son from preschool. I ordered the kids food, then I ordered what my wife usually gets. In a moment of unexpected brilliance, I quickly checked my phone to see if she wanted something else. Lo and behold, she did. Only one problem...

I had already ordered.

My personal issues with the drive-thru have been discussed before. So she's going to just have to deal with eating what I ordered, right?

NO!!!! Surprising myself - and my wife, who later said she thought I was making it up - I corrected my order and got the food that my wife wanted!

I'm not really sure what got into me, but I was able to admit that I was wrong and change my order, ignoring my fear of looking stupid in front of people. I did make a self-depricating-yet-truthful comment about me being a pain in the ass (I couldn't help it), but I still go tthe job done! And my wife truly enjoyed her Big Mac.

Now maybe she won't nag me as much as usual for the rest of this week.
I don't think she reads this blog. Whatever you do, DON'T TELL HER I SAID THIS.

Hi, Nice to Meet You. By the Way, I Have Aspergers.

Being an Aspie, I find it very difficult to decide when is the right time for "full disclosure" when meeting new people - by which I mean mentioning my Aspergers. Bringing it up too early may seem weird, or it may even sound like I'm trying to make an excuse. Saying it too late may leave a lot of odd behaviors unexplained.

My wife and I were talking with one of the other moms while waiting to pick my son up at preschool, which means my wife was talking with one of the other moms while I stood next to her silently nodding my head every so often. My attention happens to tune in when they begin talking about the challenges of parenting a child with Aspergers - her son, who was in the same preschool as my son, has Aspergers. Almost immediately and without thinking, I nearly blurt out "I have Aspergers, too!!!"

I somehow managed not to make myself look silly, and once I figured out that my Aspie-ness has nothing to do with parenting and Aspie, I figured I was better off not opening my mouth. But it got me thinking about how to approach the issue when meeting someone new. I guess it should just come up naturally in conversation, but (unless this is your first time visiting my blog) you should know by now that the words "conversation" and "naturally" don't play well together in my world.

Feeling Out of Place

To those who know me from this blog or follow me on Twitter, I'm sure it's clear that I suffer from a number of social anxieties. While a lot of them may be trivial to most people, it's pretty much standard fare for a person who has Aspergers. One of my fears that I am reminded of on almost a daily basis is my fear of looking stupid.

I'm a pretty smart guy. I like being smart; it makes me feel good. I like knowing how to use semicolons correctly. Somewhere deep inside, part of me believes that my intelligence is all that I have. So when I look stupid, I end up losing respect for myself and I get pissed off. A good amount of my tantrums have been caused by me doing something idiotic and getting mad at myself for it.

I hate trying new things because of this. Trying new things means learning something, and learning starts with not knowing something. The "figuring it out" phase is the worst part because I feel like everyone is looking at me, knowing that I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And don't even say it - asking for help is out of the question because it shows just how clueless I am.

This all comes up today after I went to go work out. My family got a membership to an indoor activity center, with a pool for the kids and a fitness center/gym included (think YMCA, only without the Village People). With the membership I got a free fitness assessment, which was just as much fun as it sounds. The results showed that I needed to improve my upper body strength, a result that even a legally blind person could have come up with just by looking at me.

Now, as you may have guessed, I'm not a "gym guy." I never even set foot on a treadmill before the fitness assessment. I feel completely out of place, and I think everyone can tell that I really don't belong there. So you can imagine how comfortable I am with using all of those complicated weight machines. I can picture it now - standing there looking dumbfounded, scratching my head as I try to decipher the instructions; the snickers and chuckles I'd have to endure as I struggle with the machine, looking more like I'm trying to have sex with the machine than exercise with it; the crushing humiliation when one of the trainers puts their hand on my shoulder, as if to say, "You've entertained us enough for today, you can go now."

I figure that's the best case scenario.

I know eventually I'll get annoyed enough with myself where I'll go all drill sergeant on myself and FORCE myself to do it. Or I'll wait until nobody's around so I can have my accidental weight machine intercourse with nobody watching.

Facing the Truth

When posting on this blog, I have always tried to avoid topics that may be controversial. I try my best not to offend anybody. There is an issue that I absolutely must discuss and, quite frankly, there is no easy way to say it other than just putting it right out there:

When the zombie apocalypse comes, Aspies will be the saviors of humanity.

There's absolutely no denying it. People with Aspergers are better equipped to handle the mental stresses of a post-zombie attack world. Social skills will be valued less, while other skills that are vital to survival will become important - skills such as ingenuity, resourcefulness, and kicking serious zombie ass.

Surviving in a world overrun by the living dead will require the use of effective makeshift weapons. The fate of humanity will rest on our ability to create and use unconventional weapons. There is no group of people more well known for their out-of-the-box thinking than Aspies. For example: a neurotypical person looks ni their garage and sees a bunch of junk. I can look in the same garage and see the materials to make three different types of melee weapons, a crossbow, and a flamethrower. Who do you want on your zombie fighting team?

Aspies can also make the tough decisions when the rubber hits the road. Food supplies need rationing? An Aspie can create a comprehensive feeding schedule based on average calories required and consumed, rotation of food stock per day, and preferred flavors. An injured ally is holding you back? An Aspie can determine if the person is worth saving or not, without all those messy emotions getting in the way. Your best friend has been bitten? An Aspie has no problem killing him. He's technically not even human anymore.

Most importantly, people with Aspergers would be the best zombie killers ever. Most people underestimate how difficult it is mentally to point a gun at something, shoot it, and kill it. It's even harder to shoot at something that resembles a person. It's even harder still to shoot something that, you know, used to be human. I'm willing to bet a good portion of you would wimp out. Not us Aspies. Our emotional detatchment allows us to understand that zombies are no longer humans - they are a threat to us, and must be eliminated in the most permanent way possible. True, Aspies may not look so cool walking around with earmuffs on to protect themselves from the loud gunshots, but it's a small price to pay in order to be a complete badass in all other ways measurable.

Prefectionism Perfectionism

One interesting trait that I notice a lot of people with Aspergers show is perfectionism. The perfectionism usually goes right along with one of the Aspie's main "passions" - if the Aspie is interested in doing something, it MUST be done perfectly, otherwise what's the point in doing it? Note that this is not the same as OCD, although Aspies can show that as well. No, this isn't excessive handwashing or hyper-organization I'm talking about. It's the overwhelming need to NOT BE WRONG.

My daughter is having so much trouble with this right now. She has been absolutely tearing through her home school assignments. She's learning stuff so quickly that she's now getting deep into Grade 2 assignments even though she is only 7. As she comes across subjects that are more complex, it's natural for her not to have all the answers right away.

Try telling her this.

When she doesn't know the answer to a question, she does everything she can to avoid making an incorrect guess. She will whine, cry, overdramatize... ANYTHING to avoind giving a wrong answer. Even after I tell her to take a guess and that being wrong is okay, she still won't give in. She has had full on, hour long tantrums simply because she could not spell the word "bounce."

Although my reactions aren't as extreme, I definitely have a perfectionism issue as well. While it's an asset professionally (I work in a place that pretty much demands perfectionism), it is a drain on my psyche socially. My perfectionism manifests itself as a fear of looking stupid in front of people by doing something "wrong." That's why I'm constantly second guessing my behavior, which accounts for a great deal of my social awkwardness and anxiety.

The good thing is I have learned to cope with my perfectionism to a degree. I've learned that being perfect is pretty much impossible, and that my best effort is all I should be looking for. If I'm wrong, so be it, as long as I tried my hardest to do the right thing. In essence: the best I can do is the best I can do.

Now if I can just get my daughter to believe that bullshit.

Get Smart

There's been debate over whether or not people with Aspergers have higher IQs or are generally smarter than the average population. I'm not going to debate that too much, nor am I going to debate what exactly "being smart" means (knowledge vs. intelligence, etc.). I will say that most Aspies often have an abundance of talent in one or two specific areas. Sometimes, the area that benefits is brain power.

I fancy myself a pretty smart guy. School was a breeze for me, I'm really good at my job and know a lot about it, and I sometimes scare my wife with how many answers I get right on Jeopardy. I've wondered: am I smart because of my Aspergers, or in spite of?

As always, I have a theory.

People with Aspergers don't have a strong sensory filter; it can sometimes be impossible for an Aspie to block out stimuli. Because of this, the Aspie brain is forced to process incoming information at much higher speeds simply to avoid a sensory meltdown (parents of Aspies know that sometimes the incoming stimuli is so overwhelming, these meltdowns can be absolutely unavoidable). It's this adaptation that gives Aspies the ability to process knowledge faster than a neurotypical brain can. They catch on faster. It's easier to "get" it.
Whether or not this ability is used to the fullest advantage differs on a case by case basis - not every Aspie is guaranteed to be a genius. It takes hard work to realize this potential.

I also think Aspies are primed for intellectual greatness because people with Aspergers tend to focus their attention on hard facts. The greatest thing in the world to an Aspie is a question with a definite correct answer. Actually, the greatest thing is knowing the correct answer. Subjects with "gray area" responses - such as social situations and debates - can either be annoying or downright scary to an Aspie. Incoming information from these subjects can often be conflicting and contradictory - there is often no "right" answer. Aspies are are more comfortable with asbolute answers than relative ones.

So don't always think that just because a person with Aspergers seems smarter than you, that means he is. He may know the "right" answers, but he doesn't have all the answers.

The Challenges of Being an Aspie and a Parent

As if parenting a child isn't hard enough...

In spite of my Aspergers, I somehow managed to convince/trick a woman into marrying me. In an even more unbelievable course of brainwashing, I had two children with this wonderful woman. I've since learned exactly why Aspies are awkward in social situations - it's because parenting is EXTREMELY tough for Aspies.

Aspergers makes parenting especially difficult because:
1) you may very well be parenting a little Aspie. Although a genetic component hasn't been confirmed, autism tends to run in families. As a parent with Aspergers, your chances of having a child on the Autism Spectrum are higher than those of a neurotypical parent. Children on the spectrum can be challenging for anyone; an Aspie vs. Aspie situation is only going to be more intense.
2) children are very effective triggers. My children love to climb on me and use me as a jungle gym. I'm completely fine with it, but someone with sensory issues may see this as an intrusion on personal space. Even something as innocent as an infant's cry can seem like an assault on the senses to an Aspie.
3) everything can't be about you anymore. One thing that's great about being an Aspie is you have an excuse for being self involved - you can't help it, it's part of who you are. It takes considerable effort for an Aspie to put the needs of others before their own. But when you are a parent, what you want is almost always irrelevant. Your kids should ALWAYS come first.
4) you have to be in charge of everything. Your child's doctor appointment, paperwork for school, lunches, setting up playdates, keeping organized... all of it is your responsibilty. People with Aspergers very often have trouble keeping their own shit together. Now you're in charge of running your child's life as well. They can't do it. It's all up to you. (Luckily, my wife takes care of all of that stuff for my kids... although that leaves me in charge of my stuff, which is hard enough as it is.)

As difficult as it is, Aspergers can also make parenting SOOOOOO much fun! As an Aspie,  I find it easier to relate to my children. I can slide into "play mode" very quickly and just act like a crazy kid and have fun with them. Discipline is also a breeze when you can dissociate your emotions from your child's responses - "I hate you!" and " You're so mean!" hurt a lot less when logic tells you that they are simply lashing out.

But the most beautiful part about being a parent with Aspergers - at least for me - is it gives you a chance to connect with someone almost effortlessly. I sit comfortably in silence with them, talk endlessly about nothing, I gaze into their eyes and feel the love that every parent has for their child... and I am at peace.

My family is one of my very few comforts in this world, and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Like I'm Not Even There

I will admit that, as an Aspie, I very often come up with overly-elaborate ideas. Sometimes these ideas are a little too complex for their own good. But every once in a while, I come up with a really good thought that will help in a difficult situation.

More often than not, nobody pays attention.

Last week, the maintenance department was waxing the floors in my department. I work in a place where, at a moment's notice, you may have to use just about any and every part of the room. Shutting down part of the department to allow floor wax to dry just won't work, so we try to work around it. Things were going smoothly until it came time to wax this one area which involves a thin hallway-like area.

I began discussing with my coworkers what would be the best way to tackle this area. I started brainstorming about only waxing halfway down the hallway so we could access the other half. Then I came up with the idea that we should wax half of the hallway lengthwise, allowing us to walk down the entire hallway and access anything we would need on either side with an arm's reach.

AWESOME! I figured it out!!!

The next day, they are waxing the entire hallway all at once.
And, of course it's a problem when an emergency arises and we need to get down that hallway.

Yeah. Thanks for listening.

Not to have a big ego or anything, I have Aspergers. People with Aspergers LOOOOOOVE to brainstorm about seemingly unimportant things like this: the most time efficient way to peel an apple, the scientifically perfect color for a certain wall. My brain WANTS to find the best way to wax the floor.

And it's good at it, too! Once again, not to have a big ego... but I'm smarter than you. My idea is a great idea. Did you even think before you started waxing?

IT MAKES NO SENSE.

I've tried hard to be okay with not being listened to, but it's difficult when I KNOW FOR SURE that my idea is better than whatever is being done. But if I'm not in charge, the best I can do is state my opinion and go back to taking care of what I'm responsible for.

In This Post, I Worry About Worrying Too Much

I have a wonderful 6 year old daughter with Aspergers. She is smart, talented, beautiful, and absolutely amazing in every way possible. I am truly blessed to have her as a child. Despite these blessings, I am constantly worrying about raising her to become a "good person."

I try my hardest to make sure she is a nice, well mannered child. Sometimes it's difficult to do this with an Aspie child. People with Aspergers sometimes have a tough time being "nice" because it involves taking the emotions of others into account, which is notoriously difficult for Aspies. Teaching politeness is also a tough task because manners don't always make logical sense (for example: If you are going to get yourself a glass of water, get me one too; I shouldn't have to say please because you are already going to get a drink for yourself!). I want to make sure she lives a happy, successful life. Sometimes I worry that she won't have the tools she needs to achieve this because of her Aspergers.

But then I look at myself. Although I was never diagnosed, there is very strong evidence that I have Aspergers, as well. And, in my opinion, I have been pretty successful in life so far. I've also been generally happy (more so, in fact, since accepting my Aspie nature). So do I have to worry as much as I do?

I think about the stories my mom and older sisters tell me about when I was going to school when I was younger. They tell me how they were always so distraught about sending me to school, how much I hated it, how I was bullied constantly, and how it must have been torture for me.

I, of course, remember none of this.

From what I remember, school was pretty fun. I learned lots of stuff. I had friends (or, at least what I perceived to be friends at the time). There were lots of fun games and sports to play. I had a great time! I can't remember specific instances of being bullied; perhaps some kids tried, but I just didn't catch on. The worst thing I can think of is playing football in the schoolyard and nobody throwing the football to me. Oooooh, what a tragedy!!! Perhaps it's the Aspie nature of being disconnected from my emotions that allowed me to be oblivious to the terrible things my family saw. It's also possible that my family is kinda nuts and overdramatizing things.

So, now the roles are reversed - I'm the one wishing a happier life for my child, and she's the one who is probably happier than I could imagine her to be. And if I turned out happy, successful, polite, and friendly, who says she won't be able to do the same things I did?

UnTypical

There are certain things about me that are undecidedly Aspergers-ish. I have some sensory issues (most notably with my sock comfort), stimming behavior (picking/biting the skin on my fingers), social anxiety, and deep obsession for subjects I find interesting. However, there are some things about me that don't fit the typical Aspie profile.

For example - I do have issues with being in social situations. I hate talking to people I don't know, and I'm a mess on the phone. On the flip side of this, I am more than capable of handling situations like this when I'm at work or other settings where I am more confident in my abilities. I know I'm good at my job and will never be stumped by a question from someone on the other line, so I don't fear using the phone. I wonder if other Aspies have this ability to tune out their anxiety when necessary.

Another example, this one having to do with my stimming - I have been able to shed my stim behaviors in the past for periods of time, though they have always crept back (my worst specific stim behavior is picking and biting at the skin on my fingers, and not just the cuticles... sometimes I will pick the skin off the pads of my fingers or the sides of my fingertips until they bleed). Here's where it gets interesting: about a year ago, the lab I work at installed new security systems that required the use of fingerprint ID. Because of my skin picking, the scanner had trouble identifying my fingerprint. Because my job demanded it, I have been able to avoid picking/biting the specific finger that the scanner reads - effectively modifying my stim behavior to suit my needs. Is this something that any Aspie can do just by working hard and focusing on behavior modification?

Is there something special about me? Am I just lucky?

I'm beginning to think that there is no "typical" presentation of Aspergers. There is no "normal" Aspie profile. Overall there are some rough traits, but each Aspie is an individual work of art - a unique mosiac of all of the behaviors that make them who they are.

The Emotion Calculation

It's mostly common knowledge that people with Aspergers are devoid of emotions. It's also a common misconception. Most Aspies do experience a range of emotions from sadness to joy. The misconception stems from two places:

1) Aspies have difficulty expressing their emotions in the "socially agreed upon" manner.

2) Aspies very often experience emotions in extremely polarized states with no middle ground.

Reason 1 pops up because, although Aspies are good mimics, people will often express their emotions in slightly different ways. Some people may cry at the death of a loved one, others may throw themselves into charity work, and others may react in a different way entirely. While each of these reactions share an underlying theme of grief, an Aspie may see these three reactions as random and unrelated - they don't make sense. Therefore, it's tough for an Aspie to figure out the "correct" way to express an emotion.

Reason 2 sounds like all Aspies are bipolar, but that's not what I mean. The emotions don't necessarily wildly fluctuate from one extreme to another. It just means that the "low intesity" emotions are too weak for an Aspie to register; the Aspie brain is usually too busy with other stuff. A strong enough emotion will break through. For example: I find it almost impossible to "like" things. Either it's really bad and I hate it, or it's really good and I love it. Anything else, and I don't really have an opinion one way or another.

I think emotions are so difficult for a person with Asperger's to deal with because emotions are not a tangible entity. My mind works sort of like a mini-computer; it deals it facts and figures. Computers don't understand emotions because they can't be calculated. I'm often asking how I "should be" feeling in a situation because I honestly don't know. I have a theory on how I "should be" feeling based on past experiences and popular social customs, but I can never be sure.

So don't think that us Aspies are all just soulless, disconnected people. We do have hearts. We do have emotions. They just confuse us immensely.

Anxiously Sharing the Peace

The church I go to has a custom of "sharing the peace" at the beginning of each ceremony - the people in the congregation walk around the church, shaking hands with each other and sharing a friendly hello.

For a person with Aspergers like me, it's torture.

I thought church was about trying to avoid hell, not putting people in it.

The smallest social interactions can be so uncomfortable for Aspies:
- calling a doctor's office to make an appointment
- listening to a coworker's story about their weekend
- being alone in a room with a friend of a friend
- having to explain an idea to someone who may not be interested

All of these exchanges may seem simple to a neurotypical person. To Aspies, these are great challenges that we must overcome. And we shall overcome... if you force us to.