Rejection!

So I'm feeling down today because one of my idea for my SBB course project got shot down like Porkins attacking the Death Star, so now I feel completely dumb and stupid.

It goes like this: for my SBB course I need to write an evidence based research paper that is publication-ready. For those of you who speak regular English, I basically have to write a thesis paper based on blood bank stuff. While we were discussing the project in Indiana, everyone in my class seemed to have these great original research ideas that included novel ideas, applying to review boards, doing trial experiments, etc.

I had nothing.

After some thinking, I came up with what I thought was a good and interesting idea (I won't bore you with the details, because you won't get past this paragraph without falling asleep in your own drool puddle). My education coordinator was a little concerned that it wouldn't work out, so I asked the director of my lab what he thought and if he could help.

For his answer, see above.

So yeah, feeling kinda stupid today. I know that rejection is just a thing and it's the idea not me and it's no big deal and I was maybe overreaching and.... whatever. I don't do well with rejection. It's why I never really took writing seriously. But it's not only that. Everyone else in my class seems to be so researchy-cool and know what they are doing. Am I the guy they are all looking at and thinking, "Well, at least I'm not as dumb as that guy"?

I do have a couple of other ideas that I can use. I just have to settle on one fast, since the plan proposal is due like... now. But I guess I'll just have to figure something out and get the job done, one way or another.

Or else, I'll just fail.
(That one's for you, honey)  ;)

Feeling Out of Place

To those who know me from this blog or follow me on Twitter, I'm sure it's clear that I suffer from a number of social anxieties. While a lot of them may be trivial to most people, it's pretty much standard fare for a person who has Aspergers. One of my fears that I am reminded of on almost a daily basis is my fear of looking stupid.

I'm a pretty smart guy. I like being smart; it makes me feel good. I like knowing how to use semicolons correctly. Somewhere deep inside, part of me believes that my intelligence is all that I have. So when I look stupid, I end up losing respect for myself and I get pissed off. A good amount of my tantrums have been caused by me doing something idiotic and getting mad at myself for it.

I hate trying new things because of this. Trying new things means learning something, and learning starts with not knowing something. The "figuring it out" phase is the worst part because I feel like everyone is looking at me, knowing that I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And don't even say it - asking for help is out of the question because it shows just how clueless I am.

This all comes up today after I went to go work out. My family got a membership to an indoor activity center, with a pool for the kids and a fitness center/gym included (think YMCA, only without the Village People). With the membership I got a free fitness assessment, which was just as much fun as it sounds. The results showed that I needed to improve my upper body strength, a result that even a legally blind person could have come up with just by looking at me.

Now, as you may have guessed, I'm not a "gym guy." I never even set foot on a treadmill before the fitness assessment. I feel completely out of place, and I think everyone can tell that I really don't belong there. So you can imagine how comfortable I am with using all of those complicated weight machines. I can picture it now - standing there looking dumbfounded, scratching my head as I try to decipher the instructions; the snickers and chuckles I'd have to endure as I struggle with the machine, looking more like I'm trying to have sex with the machine than exercise with it; the crushing humiliation when one of the trainers puts their hand on my shoulder, as if to say, "You've entertained us enough for today, you can go now."

I figure that's the best case scenario.

I know eventually I'll get annoyed enough with myself where I'll go all drill sergeant on myself and FORCE myself to do it. Or I'll wait until nobody's around so I can have my accidental weight machine intercourse with nobody watching.

It's Not As Bad As It Looks

The family went to a kids' music concert yesterday and had TONS of fun. Lots of dancing and jumping around in the aisles, and my little aspie really enjoyed it. A great time was had by all.

Talking to my wife afterwards, I found out that she was a little concerned that I was having a problem with the crowd of people there (the theater was packed with people). Contrary to normal aspie behavior, I'm actually pretty comfortable in a crowd, only because there is very little focus on me as an individual. If I'm allowed to blend in and be part of the scenery, I'm okay with that. Being part of the background is a nice feeling.

(I also think that since I had the opportunity to sit in a corner and avoid sitting next to anybody helped me be comfortable a lot.)

The problem I have is when I get together with a bunch of people and I'm forced to be social with them. If there was some sort of Q&A discussion after the concert, I would have been a nervous wreck. But since everyone else's attention was on the stage, being in the crowd didn't bother me in the least.

I think my biggest social fear is not of being in crowds, but instead it's sticking out in a crowd. It's being that one guy that everyone else is looking at and thinking, "What's that dude's problem?" I'd rather nobody look at me... or even be completely alone.