Top 12 of '12

In honor of the culmination of the year 2012 (WE SURVIVED A MAYAN ALIEN ATTACK, OR WHATEVER THAT WHOLE THING WAS ABOUT!!!), this is a countdown of my top 12 favorite posts I made during the past year.

Yes, this is my blog's version of a clip show.

Enjoy!

12. The Self Aware Aspie  (12/23/12) - how a diagnosis helps an Aspie and others understand their situation.

11. Feeling Out of Place (8/15/12) - I get the feeling that I don't belong.

10. Friday Night Anti-Socialite  (11/3/12) - I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable at a social gathering.

9. Like I'm Not Even There  (4/6/12) - Nobody listens to my awesome ideas.

8. Perfectionism (7/15/12) - Why can't everything be right?

7. The Dentist (1/25/12) - I suffer through a trip to the dentist.

6. Dunkin Donuts Ruins My Day (1/10/12) - It's the little things that drive me mad.

5. Hi, Nice to Meet You. By the Way, I Have Aspergers. (10/15/12) - How does one drop the Aspie bomb?

4. I'M NORMAL!!! (for once) (10/16/12) - I surprise myself with my unexpectedly rational behavior.

3. The Challenges of Being an Aspie and a Parent  (6/28/12) - You think being an NT parent is hard?

2. Unseen Health Risks of Aspergers (2/23/12) - A doctor's office can be a scary place.

1. Facing the Truth  (8/6/12) - Aspies will save the world!

I Wish I Was Special

I've been busy the past week or two with a whole bunch of stuff. I just came back from a week in Indiana for the Orientation Week of an online course I am taking. I'm taking the course to become an SBB, or Specialist in Blood Banking. Basically, I'll be learning every single in-and-out detail of my job. Hopefully it will give me better qualifications for promotion or a supervisor job someday, which means more responsibility for not a whole lot more money.

The orientation week was... interesting. The point of the orientation was to make sure we had all the materials we needed to start, as well as to get to know and interact with the other people who are taking the course alongside me.

What, what? Interaction with people? I paid $3000 for this?

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

Actually, it went pretty well and I had a great time! The beginning of the week was somewhat awkward. It felt like forced socialization, which I find almost as enjoyable as bathing my eyeballs in rubbing alcohol. But the classroom/learning setting allowed me to kind of settle in and focus on the information rather than being normal. By Friday I actually enjoyed talking with these people, which is good because I'll be conferring with them on projects and stuff throughout the year.

I think what helped me warm up to these people was that:
a) I realized that these people were interested in and passionate about many of the same things I was. I could talk shop with them and not worry about looking like a dork.
and...
b) Thursday night, the education coordinator took us out to dinner and paid for everything including alcohol, and I got a little buzzed.  :)

But seriously, I was able to talk to these people because I realized they were like me - nerd-ish people who were interested in advancing their knowledge because they wanted to. And they wanted to be there bad enough that they were willing to pay for it. And talking about work with these people led to other conversations where I was able to actually share (gulp) personal things about myself. And it was fun!

Now the hard work begins - a full year of busting my ass to pass this course. Wish me luck!

Friday Night Anti-Socialite

My daughter goes to an ASD socialization group every couple of weeks. I usually can't go because I work evenings, but tonight I had off so I was able to go. The kids break up into groups to help foster some social networking skills, and the parents are free to attend a special conference event, usually focusing on some ideas and resources for parents to deal with the difficulties of having a child on the spectrum. I thought it would be nice to tag along with the family.

I'm not so sure I want to go again.

The subject of the conference was helping your ASD child improve their social skills. As the presentation went on, I felt myself getting more and more stressed out. First of all, the presenter decided to go with an interactive format, which threw me off. I didn't know we were supposed to be answering questions! I was ready to trudge through the boring parts by playing cell phone games. What happens if I get called on? Now I have to pay attention! It felt like I was back in elementary school, without the fun of gym class. And the worst of it is, they are asking questions that I have no idea how to answer. For example:

"What does it mean to you to be social or to have a friend?"

Ummm....

I have Aspergers. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

As the discussion continues, the parents start offering examples of the difficulties that their children face. Many of these are greeted with chuckles or bursts of laughter from the crowd - probably from knowing all too well what the commenter has gone through. However, I experience a lot of the same issues that are being shared... and chuckled and laughed at. Now I feel like I'm being made fun of. Once again, just like elementary school.

It also bothered me that a lot of the conference seemed geared towards how to "fix" the problems of the ASD child, such as coming up with ways to get the child to socialize and make friends or "succeed" in social situations. This turned me off completely. Is Autism something that needs to be fixed? Am I a failure just because I'm not as comfortable in social situations as an NT is?

My wife says I'm crazy, and that's not what it's all about. I agree that I am probably oversensitive due to my unique viewpoint. I just think that parents focus too much on their expectations and what they want for their child. What they should be focusing on is what makes their child happy and help them achieve those goals. If the kid wants to be more social, then helping them along is a wonderful thing. But if the kid is happy playing by him/herself and wants to be left alone, forcing socialization skills on him/her is just a self-serving act to comfort the parent's anxieties of failure and social rejection.

As if to underscore this theme, the conference ended with the parents breaking up into smaller groups to share ideas and solutions that worked for them. I snuck out the back door before our group formed. Thankfully, and this is why I love her, my wife didn't force me to stay.

Prefectionism Perfectionism

One interesting trait that I notice a lot of people with Aspergers show is perfectionism. The perfectionism usually goes right along with one of the Aspie's main "passions" - if the Aspie is interested in doing something, it MUST be done perfectly, otherwise what's the point in doing it? Note that this is not the same as OCD, although Aspies can show that as well. No, this isn't excessive handwashing or hyper-organization I'm talking about. It's the overwhelming need to NOT BE WRONG.

My daughter is having so much trouble with this right now. She has been absolutely tearing through her home school assignments. She's learning stuff so quickly that she's now getting deep into Grade 2 assignments even though she is only 7. As she comes across subjects that are more complex, it's natural for her not to have all the answers right away.

Try telling her this.

When she doesn't know the answer to a question, she does everything she can to avoid making an incorrect guess. She will whine, cry, overdramatize... ANYTHING to avoind giving a wrong answer. Even after I tell her to take a guess and that being wrong is okay, she still won't give in. She has had full on, hour long tantrums simply because she could not spell the word "bounce."

Although my reactions aren't as extreme, I definitely have a perfectionism issue as well. While it's an asset professionally (I work in a place that pretty much demands perfectionism), it is a drain on my psyche socially. My perfectionism manifests itself as a fear of looking stupid in front of people by doing something "wrong." That's why I'm constantly second guessing my behavior, which accounts for a great deal of my social awkwardness and anxiety.

The good thing is I have learned to cope with my perfectionism to a degree. I've learned that being perfect is pretty much impossible, and that my best effort is all I should be looking for. If I'm wrong, so be it, as long as I tried my hardest to do the right thing. In essence: the best I can do is the best I can do.

Now if I can just get my daughter to believe that bullshit.

The Challenges of Being an Aspie and a Parent

As if parenting a child isn't hard enough...

In spite of my Aspergers, I somehow managed to convince/trick a woman into marrying me. In an even more unbelievable course of brainwashing, I had two children with this wonderful woman. I've since learned exactly why Aspies are awkward in social situations - it's because parenting is EXTREMELY tough for Aspies.

Aspergers makes parenting especially difficult because:
1) you may very well be parenting a little Aspie. Although a genetic component hasn't been confirmed, autism tends to run in families. As a parent with Aspergers, your chances of having a child on the Autism Spectrum are higher than those of a neurotypical parent. Children on the spectrum can be challenging for anyone; an Aspie vs. Aspie situation is only going to be more intense.
2) children are very effective triggers. My children love to climb on me and use me as a jungle gym. I'm completely fine with it, but someone with sensory issues may see this as an intrusion on personal space. Even something as innocent as an infant's cry can seem like an assault on the senses to an Aspie.
3) everything can't be about you anymore. One thing that's great about being an Aspie is you have an excuse for being self involved - you can't help it, it's part of who you are. It takes considerable effort for an Aspie to put the needs of others before their own. But when you are a parent, what you want is almost always irrelevant. Your kids should ALWAYS come first.
4) you have to be in charge of everything. Your child's doctor appointment, paperwork for school, lunches, setting up playdates, keeping organized... all of it is your responsibilty. People with Aspergers very often have trouble keeping their own shit together. Now you're in charge of running your child's life as well. They can't do it. It's all up to you. (Luckily, my wife takes care of all of that stuff for my kids... although that leaves me in charge of my stuff, which is hard enough as it is.)

As difficult as it is, Aspergers can also make parenting SOOOOOO much fun! As an Aspie,  I find it easier to relate to my children. I can slide into "play mode" very quickly and just act like a crazy kid and have fun with them. Discipline is also a breeze when you can dissociate your emotions from your child's responses - "I hate you!" and " You're so mean!" hurt a lot less when logic tells you that they are simply lashing out.

But the most beautiful part about being a parent with Aspergers - at least for me - is it gives you a chance to connect with someone almost effortlessly. I sit comfortably in silence with them, talk endlessly about nothing, I gaze into their eyes and feel the love that every parent has for their child... and I am at peace.

My family is one of my very few comforts in this world, and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Unseen Health Risks of Aspergers and Autism

In general, Aspergers and Autism do not cause higher risk for health problems. Spectrum disorders are mainly cognitive in nature and do not lead directly to issues such as heart disease, cancer, or things like that. However, I believe that people with Spectrum disorders can suffer from health problems that would be routine for neurotypical individuals. It all comes down to prevention.

Most NTs will not be able to understand this, but nevertheless it is true - going to the doctor can be an overwhelmingly social experience. Think of all the social interaction that occurs during a doctor visit:
- the receptionist greets you
- you are required to provide your name, info, health insurance, medical history, etc.
- the nurse/PA greet you and asks you to describe your condition as s/he enters your personal space to pre-examines you
- the doctor greets you and asks you to describe your condition (again), asking more probative questions as s/he enters your personal space to examine you
- the receptionist handles your billing on the way out

All of this may seem simple to an NT... and yes, it is. But to an Aspie, I can tell you that this is a LOT of work. It's enough of a hassle to want to avoid the whole thing altogether.

Imagine being an Aspie for a moment, and it is absolute torture to even have to talk to people that you don't know. Now you are talking to 3 people, revealing intimate details about yourself to them, you are being touched all over. It's a pain. You HATE it. So you find yourself skipping your yearly physical. You have a little bit of pain in your chest? Shake it off. It's easier to deal with the pain than to go through that ordeal again. Next thing you know, you haven't been to the doctor in 10 years and the pain in your chest cannot be ignored. So you FINALLY get yourself checked out, only it's too late. Now you need heart bypass surgery.

It's like that. Aspergers didn't cause the heart disease, but it caused actions that led to the heart disease.

I've been thinking about my elbow lately. I have tendonitis in my elbow from repetitive movement at my job. I've had it looked at and gotten prescriptions for physical therapy. I really feel like the PT could be helpful in relieving some of the pain, but I stopped going after four visits. Why? Because the physical therapy involves me doing exercises for my elbow for an hour while a physical therapist watches. An hour of me sitting with this guy. After 10 minutes, I have nothing to say. I feel stupid talking, but the silence is even more uncomfortable. So I don't go anymore. The treatment is more painful mentally than the condition is physically.

I also think back to the post I made about going to the dentist. I'm lucky that I have strong teeth and gums and my gap in seeing the dentist was only about 2 or 3 years. There could be Spectrumites out there who haven't been to their dentist or doctor in over a decade.

How many of us out there have been skipping cancer screenings because of the sensory issues associated with needles and drawing blood?
How many of us have not had a regular eye exam because of a sensitivity to light?
How many of us are suffering from conditions that can be easily remedied or prevented by easier access to health care?

Aspie Kryptonite

My wife likes to refer to my daughter and I as "super heroes" because our senses tend to work at a higher intensity than most people. For example, we are the first ones to hear a faint sound coming from outside, or a change in temperature in our house. I'm not so quick to claim super hero status - it's more likely that my daughter and I lack the ability to filter out the stimuli that normal people dismiss as background noise. However, I do agree that people with Aspergers - and people with Autism in general - are more sensitive to their environment. Their brains take in the stimuli and process it in different ways than a neurotypical person does, and these differences show in how they react to their environment.

I've found that, as I've grown older, I've learned to use the differences in the way I perceive my world in positive ways. I use the fact that I lack a sensory filter as an advantage to take in more info about my surroundings than a neurotypical person would. I have had to train myself to not be overwhelmed by the incoming stimuli, and that takes focus (something children with Autism very often lack). However, when my ability to focus is impaired, these skills lose their positive value very quickly.

During this week, I've had to shift my hours back and forth between evening shift and midnights, losing significant sleep in the process. Because of this, I find myself turning almost dyslexic at times, transposing numbers and/or letters while filling out paperwork (My daughter does something similar when she gets tired: she reads and writes letters backwards - d's become b's, p's become q's, and so on). I've had to fix about 15 typos while typing this up... I probably shoudl have left them in for effect. The worst part is that my alck of focus ends up muting the positive aspects of my Aspie traits (thinking speed, memory, multitasking) and increases the negatiove ones (irritability, social withdrawal, stimming).

So, contrary to what my wife says, I'm no super hero. I just experience the world differently and react to it in a different way. I'm vulnerable to the same mental breakdowns as she and every other "normal person" is... perhaps even more so.

The Social Exchange

You normal people take a lot of things for granted. For example: the ability to have a normal conversation with a waiter in a restaurant without feeling like a complete idiot.

My family went out to dinner last night, and we had a great time. The food was good, we had fun, and service was very nice. The only problem I had was the waiter kept going "off script."

You see, ever since i was a kid I've been watching the interaction between my parents and the waiters of the restaurants we went to. During all of these visits, my Aspie brain crafted a specific "script" that I usually try to stick to when conversing with the waiter. I expect certain questions and I can have the answers ready in advance in order to make everything run smoothly through dinner. But when a question comes from off script, I don't know what to say.

It's usually when a waiter makes a friendly remark about something other than the meal, or when he or she asks a vague question. Last night, the waiter asked "Should I leave that, or are you finished?" My brain immediately sees the following problems with the question:

1) I'm not 100% sure who he is talking to. Is he talking to my wife, in which case if I answer I will be interrupting? Or is he talking to me, in which case if I don't answer I look like I'm not paying attention?

2) I'm not sure which plate he's talking about. We had salad and appetizer plates in front of us. I was done with the salad but not the appetizer. How am I supposed to answer for him to take one plate but leave the other?

3) It's a double question. Does "Yes" mean I'm still eating, or that he should take the plate? I don't even know how to answer this question!

So you see, my brain is stuck figuring out how to answer the question in order to get the result I want, rather than just answering the question. My wife, of course, jumps in and answers right away because she's normal. She doesn't have to do all of these calculations in her brain before coming to a conclusion. It's just natural for her.

So next time you are ordering from the drive-thru and need to make a last second change to your order, or a customer assistance operator asks you for an unexpected piece of information, take a moment to enjoy the fact that you don't have to go through the work that my brain does in order to come up with the "correct" answer.