Hi, Nice to Meet You. By the Way, I Have Aspergers.

Being an Aspie, I find it very difficult to decide when is the right time for "full disclosure" when meeting new people - by which I mean mentioning my Aspergers. Bringing it up too early may seem weird, or it may even sound like I'm trying to make an excuse. Saying it too late may leave a lot of odd behaviors unexplained.

My wife and I were talking with one of the other moms while waiting to pick my son up at preschool, which means my wife was talking with one of the other moms while I stood next to her silently nodding my head every so often. My attention happens to tune in when they begin talking about the challenges of parenting a child with Aspergers - her son, who was in the same preschool as my son, has Aspergers. Almost immediately and without thinking, I nearly blurt out "I have Aspergers, too!!!"

I somehow managed not to make myself look silly, and once I figured out that my Aspie-ness has nothing to do with parenting and Aspie, I figured I was better off not opening my mouth. But it got me thinking about how to approach the issue when meeting someone new. I guess it should just come up naturally in conversation, but (unless this is your first time visiting my blog) you should know by now that the words "conversation" and "naturally" don't play well together in my world.

Yay! I'm Blogging Again!!

Yup, I'm finally at it again. Took a little time off blogging, alternating between being busy with lots of stuff and being lazy doing nothing.

Feeling Out of Place

To those who know me from this blog or follow me on Twitter, I'm sure it's clear that I suffer from a number of social anxieties. While a lot of them may be trivial to most people, it's pretty much standard fare for a person who has Aspergers. One of my fears that I am reminded of on almost a daily basis is my fear of looking stupid.

I'm a pretty smart guy. I like being smart; it makes me feel good. I like knowing how to use semicolons correctly. Somewhere deep inside, part of me believes that my intelligence is all that I have. So when I look stupid, I end up losing respect for myself and I get pissed off. A good amount of my tantrums have been caused by me doing something idiotic and getting mad at myself for it.

I hate trying new things because of this. Trying new things means learning something, and learning starts with not knowing something. The "figuring it out" phase is the worst part because I feel like everyone is looking at me, knowing that I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And don't even say it - asking for help is out of the question because it shows just how clueless I am.

This all comes up today after I went to go work out. My family got a membership to an indoor activity center, with a pool for the kids and a fitness center/gym included (think YMCA, only without the Village People). With the membership I got a free fitness assessment, which was just as much fun as it sounds. The results showed that I needed to improve my upper body strength, a result that even a legally blind person could have come up with just by looking at me.

Now, as you may have guessed, I'm not a "gym guy." I never even set foot on a treadmill before the fitness assessment. I feel completely out of place, and I think everyone can tell that I really don't belong there. So you can imagine how comfortable I am with using all of those complicated weight machines. I can picture it now - standing there looking dumbfounded, scratching my head as I try to decipher the instructions; the snickers and chuckles I'd have to endure as I struggle with the machine, looking more like I'm trying to have sex with the machine than exercise with it; the crushing humiliation when one of the trainers puts their hand on my shoulder, as if to say, "You've entertained us enough for today, you can go now."

I figure that's the best case scenario.

I know eventually I'll get annoyed enough with myself where I'll go all drill sergeant on myself and FORCE myself to do it. Or I'll wait until nobody's around so I can have my accidental weight machine intercourse with nobody watching.

Facing the Truth

When posting on this blog, I have always tried to avoid topics that may be controversial. I try my best not to offend anybody. There is an issue that I absolutely must discuss and, quite frankly, there is no easy way to say it other than just putting it right out there:

When the zombie apocalypse comes, Aspies will be the saviors of humanity.

There's absolutely no denying it. People with Aspergers are better equipped to handle the mental stresses of a post-zombie attack world. Social skills will be valued less, while other skills that are vital to survival will become important - skills such as ingenuity, resourcefulness, and kicking serious zombie ass.

Surviving in a world overrun by the living dead will require the use of effective makeshift weapons. The fate of humanity will rest on our ability to create and use unconventional weapons. There is no group of people more well known for their out-of-the-box thinking than Aspies. For example: a neurotypical person looks ni their garage and sees a bunch of junk. I can look in the same garage and see the materials to make three different types of melee weapons, a crossbow, and a flamethrower. Who do you want on your zombie fighting team?

Aspies can also make the tough decisions when the rubber hits the road. Food supplies need rationing? An Aspie can create a comprehensive feeding schedule based on average calories required and consumed, rotation of food stock per day, and preferred flavors. An injured ally is holding you back? An Aspie can determine if the person is worth saving or not, without all those messy emotions getting in the way. Your best friend has been bitten? An Aspie has no problem killing him. He's technically not even human anymore.

Most importantly, people with Aspergers would be the best zombie killers ever. Most people underestimate how difficult it is mentally to point a gun at something, shoot it, and kill it. It's even harder to shoot at something that resembles a person. It's even harder still to shoot something that, you know, used to be human. I'm willing to bet a good portion of you would wimp out. Not us Aspies. Our emotional detatchment allows us to understand that zombies are no longer humans - they are a threat to us, and must be eliminated in the most permanent way possible. True, Aspies may not look so cool walking around with earmuffs on to protect themselves from the loud gunshots, but it's a small price to pay in order to be a complete badass in all other ways measurable.

Prefectionism Perfectionism

One interesting trait that I notice a lot of people with Aspergers show is perfectionism. The perfectionism usually goes right along with one of the Aspie's main "passions" - if the Aspie is interested in doing something, it MUST be done perfectly, otherwise what's the point in doing it? Note that this is not the same as OCD, although Aspies can show that as well. No, this isn't excessive handwashing or hyper-organization I'm talking about. It's the overwhelming need to NOT BE WRONG.

My daughter is having so much trouble with this right now. She has been absolutely tearing through her home school assignments. She's learning stuff so quickly that she's now getting deep into Grade 2 assignments even though she is only 7. As she comes across subjects that are more complex, it's natural for her not to have all the answers right away.

Try telling her this.

When she doesn't know the answer to a question, she does everything she can to avoid making an incorrect guess. She will whine, cry, overdramatize... ANYTHING to avoind giving a wrong answer. Even after I tell her to take a guess and that being wrong is okay, she still won't give in. She has had full on, hour long tantrums simply because she could not spell the word "bounce."

Although my reactions aren't as extreme, I definitely have a perfectionism issue as well. While it's an asset professionally (I work in a place that pretty much demands perfectionism), it is a drain on my psyche socially. My perfectionism manifests itself as a fear of looking stupid in front of people by doing something "wrong." That's why I'm constantly second guessing my behavior, which accounts for a great deal of my social awkwardness and anxiety.

The good thing is I have learned to cope with my perfectionism to a degree. I've learned that being perfect is pretty much impossible, and that my best effort is all I should be looking for. If I'm wrong, so be it, as long as I tried my hardest to do the right thing. In essence: the best I can do is the best I can do.

Now if I can just get my daughter to believe that bullshit.

Get Smart

There's been debate over whether or not people with Aspergers have higher IQs or are generally smarter than the average population. I'm not going to debate that too much, nor am I going to debate what exactly "being smart" means (knowledge vs. intelligence, etc.). I will say that most Aspies often have an abundance of talent in one or two specific areas. Sometimes, the area that benefits is brain power.

I fancy myself a pretty smart guy. School was a breeze for me, I'm really good at my job and know a lot about it, and I sometimes scare my wife with how many answers I get right on Jeopardy. I've wondered: am I smart because of my Aspergers, or in spite of?

As always, I have a theory.

People with Aspergers don't have a strong sensory filter; it can sometimes be impossible for an Aspie to block out stimuli. Because of this, the Aspie brain is forced to process incoming information at much higher speeds simply to avoid a sensory meltdown (parents of Aspies know that sometimes the incoming stimuli is so overwhelming, these meltdowns can be absolutely unavoidable). It's this adaptation that gives Aspies the ability to process knowledge faster than a neurotypical brain can. They catch on faster. It's easier to "get" it.
Whether or not this ability is used to the fullest advantage differs on a case by case basis - not every Aspie is guaranteed to be a genius. It takes hard work to realize this potential.

I also think Aspies are primed for intellectual greatness because people with Aspergers tend to focus their attention on hard facts. The greatest thing in the world to an Aspie is a question with a definite correct answer. Actually, the greatest thing is knowing the correct answer. Subjects with "gray area" responses - such as social situations and debates - can either be annoying or downright scary to an Aspie. Incoming information from these subjects can often be conflicting and contradictory - there is often no "right" answer. Aspies are are more comfortable with asbolute answers than relative ones.

So don't always think that just because a person with Aspergers seems smarter than you, that means he is. He may know the "right" answers, but he doesn't have all the answers.

The Challenges of Being an Aspie and a Parent

As if parenting a child isn't hard enough...

In spite of my Aspergers, I somehow managed to convince/trick a woman into marrying me. In an even more unbelievable course of brainwashing, I had two children with this wonderful woman. I've since learned exactly why Aspies are awkward in social situations - it's because parenting is EXTREMELY tough for Aspies.

Aspergers makes parenting especially difficult because:
1) you may very well be parenting a little Aspie. Although a genetic component hasn't been confirmed, autism tends to run in families. As a parent with Aspergers, your chances of having a child on the Autism Spectrum are higher than those of a neurotypical parent. Children on the spectrum can be challenging for anyone; an Aspie vs. Aspie situation is only going to be more intense.
2) children are very effective triggers. My children love to climb on me and use me as a jungle gym. I'm completely fine with it, but someone with sensory issues may see this as an intrusion on personal space. Even something as innocent as an infant's cry can seem like an assault on the senses to an Aspie.
3) everything can't be about you anymore. One thing that's great about being an Aspie is you have an excuse for being self involved - you can't help it, it's part of who you are. It takes considerable effort for an Aspie to put the needs of others before their own. But when you are a parent, what you want is almost always irrelevant. Your kids should ALWAYS come first.
4) you have to be in charge of everything. Your child's doctor appointment, paperwork for school, lunches, setting up playdates, keeping organized... all of it is your responsibilty. People with Aspergers very often have trouble keeping their own shit together. Now you're in charge of running your child's life as well. They can't do it. It's all up to you. (Luckily, my wife takes care of all of that stuff for my kids... although that leaves me in charge of my stuff, which is hard enough as it is.)

As difficult as it is, Aspergers can also make parenting SOOOOOO much fun! As an Aspie,  I find it easier to relate to my children. I can slide into "play mode" very quickly and just act like a crazy kid and have fun with them. Discipline is also a breeze when you can dissociate your emotions from your child's responses - "I hate you!" and " You're so mean!" hurt a lot less when logic tells you that they are simply lashing out.

But the most beautiful part about being a parent with Aspergers - at least for me - is it gives you a chance to connect with someone almost effortlessly. I sit comfortably in silence with them, talk endlessly about nothing, I gaze into their eyes and feel the love that every parent has for their child... and I am at peace.

My family is one of my very few comforts in this world, and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.