Top 12 of '12

In honor of the culmination of the year 2012 (WE SURVIVED A MAYAN ALIEN ATTACK, OR WHATEVER THAT WHOLE THING WAS ABOUT!!!), this is a countdown of my top 12 favorite posts I made during the past year.

Yes, this is my blog's version of a clip show.

Enjoy!

12. The Self Aware Aspie  (12/23/12) - how a diagnosis helps an Aspie and others understand their situation.

11. Feeling Out of Place (8/15/12) - I get the feeling that I don't belong.

10. Friday Night Anti-Socialite  (11/3/12) - I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable at a social gathering.

9. Like I'm Not Even There  (4/6/12) - Nobody listens to my awesome ideas.

8. Perfectionism (7/15/12) - Why can't everything be right?

7. The Dentist (1/25/12) - I suffer through a trip to the dentist.

6. Dunkin Donuts Ruins My Day (1/10/12) - It's the little things that drive me mad.

5. Hi, Nice to Meet You. By the Way, I Have Aspergers. (10/15/12) - How does one drop the Aspie bomb?

4. I'M NORMAL!!! (for once) (10/16/12) - I surprise myself with my unexpectedly rational behavior.

3. The Challenges of Being an Aspie and a Parent  (6/28/12) - You think being an NT parent is hard?

2. Unseen Health Risks of Aspergers (2/23/12) - A doctor's office can be a scary place.

1. Facing the Truth  (8/6/12) - Aspies will save the world!

The Self Aware Aspie

Some people wonder exactly what a diagnosis of Aspergers gets them. Government assistance? Nope. Special insurance considerations? Doubt it. The understanding, care, and love of the general public? Far from it. Some not-so-gracious people may even see the diagnosis as an excuse for acting strangely. I'll tell you what the Aspergers diagnosis gives me - piece of mind. It allows me to personally understand what's going on, both in my brain and the brain of my daughter.

It's not easy for any parent to deal with the meltdowns that inevitably come with an Aspie child. You can hear a lot of things that can hurt you. An Aspergers diagnosis can help you better understand what your child is going through, what your child is really saying when s/he screams "I HATE YOU!" It helps you realize that it's a stress release, not an attack. Not that it washes your hands of your responsibility of your child, but it absolves you of blame for the tantrum.

In some cases, the diagnosis may be helpful for the child directly. My wife and I have talked to my daughter about her Aspergers; she knows that sometimes she just needs to let off some steam, and we've provided her a safe place to do that. When a tantrum occurs, she will loudly annouce to everyone (though heavy sobbing) that she "just need[s] to go upstairs and cry." And she does. And when she's finished, everything's okay and she knows we still love her. This out-of-control feeling could be very scary to a child who doesn't understand, but the diagnosis of Aspergers helps her understand that this stuff is normal... for her, anyway.

In ths case of adult Aspies like myself (note: although I haven't been formally diagnosed, I pretty much accept the fact that I do have Aspergers), a diagnosis can help with self-discovery in very much the same way. It can give you insight on why you do the compulsive things you do, and how to handle certain situations in order to diffuse tantrums before they happen. The other day I was trying to make lunch for my family, and I kept running into roadblock after roadblock (not enough ingredients, missing supplies, etc.) until finally I felt it coming on... I was going to blow. But before I did, I took a deep breath, looked at my wife, and said, "I need to go upstairs for a moment before i start tantruming." I did just that - I laid on the bed, closed my eyes, and just laid there. After a minute or two, I had regained enough composure to come back downstairs to make lunch with the stuff I had to work with.

It's funny - my wife and I had to really fight to get our daughter diagnosed with Aspergers. At first, we agreed that the diagnosis didn't really affect us or our love for our daughter; she was the same kid she always was and we wouldn't treat her any differently. The diagnosis at that time was mainly for the benefit of others, to understand why she acts the way she does and in order to get her the care she needed at school and such. But recently I've seen that the diagnosis has helped us, but not in the "We're ok with it" way. The diagnosis helps in understanding her, making her life and our lives more fulfilling by working with her needs as an Aspie. The diagnosis of Aspergers doesn't define me or my daughter, but it is part of who we are.

Rejection!

So I'm feeling down today because one of my idea for my SBB course project got shot down like Porkins attacking the Death Star, so now I feel completely dumb and stupid.

It goes like this: for my SBB course I need to write an evidence based research paper that is publication-ready. For those of you who speak regular English, I basically have to write a thesis paper based on blood bank stuff. While we were discussing the project in Indiana, everyone in my class seemed to have these great original research ideas that included novel ideas, applying to review boards, doing trial experiments, etc.

I had nothing.

After some thinking, I came up with what I thought was a good and interesting idea (I won't bore you with the details, because you won't get past this paragraph without falling asleep in your own drool puddle). My education coordinator was a little concerned that it wouldn't work out, so I asked the director of my lab what he thought and if he could help.

For his answer, see above.

So yeah, feeling kinda stupid today. I know that rejection is just a thing and it's the idea not me and it's no big deal and I was maybe overreaching and.... whatever. I don't do well with rejection. It's why I never really took writing seriously. But it's not only that. Everyone else in my class seems to be so researchy-cool and know what they are doing. Am I the guy they are all looking at and thinking, "Well, at least I'm not as dumb as that guy"?

I do have a couple of other ideas that I can use. I just have to settle on one fast, since the plan proposal is due like... now. But I guess I'll just have to figure something out and get the job done, one way or another.

Or else, I'll just fail.
(That one's for you, honey)  ;)

Me Jelly?

So my wife is posting on her blog again, and of course she is instantly getting more attention than I am. It is only fair, though, since her blog is cooler and she's so much more awesomer than I am anyway - except for when it comes to making up words, I'm much more bestier at that than she is.

Seeing her blog has given me a few ideas and some inspiration on how to make my blog look nicer and a little bit more interesting. So over the next little while (when I have free time, which is hardly never), I'll be tweaking the look and feel of the site. Hopefully I'll settle on something that's better not worse.

I do need your help on this, dear readers. Please email me and let me know what you like, what you don't like, and what you'd like to see. If you'd like me to post a link to your blog, please send it to me. And don't get too annoyed if I decide to try and include the advertisements option to the blog. Don't hate me for being a sellout.  :)

Conference Call

Ok, so I've been stressing out a bit about next week. I have my first test in my online course next week, but that's not the worst of things. The thing I'm stressing out the most about is a conference call that is scheduled for Sunday.

First off, I'm working midnights this weekend, so I'm going to be sleepish during the whole thing. Second, the entire class and I will be meeting on Skype to discuss... whatever we are going to discuss. I'm still learning the ins and outs of Skype, so I have no idea if it's going to go well or not. I also have no idea what's expected of me in this phone call.

I expected the learning and the work to be the hard part of this course. That stuff seems to me moving along pretty well. It's all of this other talking-to-people stuff that is becoming a chore.

I Wish I Was Special

I've been busy the past week or two with a whole bunch of stuff. I just came back from a week in Indiana for the Orientation Week of an online course I am taking. I'm taking the course to become an SBB, or Specialist in Blood Banking. Basically, I'll be learning every single in-and-out detail of my job. Hopefully it will give me better qualifications for promotion or a supervisor job someday, which means more responsibility for not a whole lot more money.

The orientation week was... interesting. The point of the orientation was to make sure we had all the materials we needed to start, as well as to get to know and interact with the other people who are taking the course alongside me.

What, what? Interaction with people? I paid $3000 for this?

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

Actually, it went pretty well and I had a great time! The beginning of the week was somewhat awkward. It felt like forced socialization, which I find almost as enjoyable as bathing my eyeballs in rubbing alcohol. But the classroom/learning setting allowed me to kind of settle in and focus on the information rather than being normal. By Friday I actually enjoyed talking with these people, which is good because I'll be conferring with them on projects and stuff throughout the year.

I think what helped me warm up to these people was that:
a) I realized that these people were interested in and passionate about many of the same things I was. I could talk shop with them and not worry about looking like a dork.
and...
b) Thursday night, the education coordinator took us out to dinner and paid for everything including alcohol, and I got a little buzzed.  :)

But seriously, I was able to talk to these people because I realized they were like me - nerd-ish people who were interested in advancing their knowledge because they wanted to. And they wanted to be there bad enough that they were willing to pay for it. And talking about work with these people led to other conversations where I was able to actually share (gulp) personal things about myself. And it was fun!

Now the hard work begins - a full year of busting my ass to pass this course. Wish me luck!

Friday Night Anti-Socialite

My daughter goes to an ASD socialization group every couple of weeks. I usually can't go because I work evenings, but tonight I had off so I was able to go. The kids break up into groups to help foster some social networking skills, and the parents are free to attend a special conference event, usually focusing on some ideas and resources for parents to deal with the difficulties of having a child on the spectrum. I thought it would be nice to tag along with the family.

I'm not so sure I want to go again.

The subject of the conference was helping your ASD child improve their social skills. As the presentation went on, I felt myself getting more and more stressed out. First of all, the presenter decided to go with an interactive format, which threw me off. I didn't know we were supposed to be answering questions! I was ready to trudge through the boring parts by playing cell phone games. What happens if I get called on? Now I have to pay attention! It felt like I was back in elementary school, without the fun of gym class. And the worst of it is, they are asking questions that I have no idea how to answer. For example:

"What does it mean to you to be social or to have a friend?"

Ummm....

I have Aspergers. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

As the discussion continues, the parents start offering examples of the difficulties that their children face. Many of these are greeted with chuckles or bursts of laughter from the crowd - probably from knowing all too well what the commenter has gone through. However, I experience a lot of the same issues that are being shared... and chuckled and laughed at. Now I feel like I'm being made fun of. Once again, just like elementary school.

It also bothered me that a lot of the conference seemed geared towards how to "fix" the problems of the ASD child, such as coming up with ways to get the child to socialize and make friends or "succeed" in social situations. This turned me off completely. Is Autism something that needs to be fixed? Am I a failure just because I'm not as comfortable in social situations as an NT is?

My wife says I'm crazy, and that's not what it's all about. I agree that I am probably oversensitive due to my unique viewpoint. I just think that parents focus too much on their expectations and what they want for their child. What they should be focusing on is what makes their child happy and help them achieve those goals. If the kid wants to be more social, then helping them along is a wonderful thing. But if the kid is happy playing by him/herself and wants to be left alone, forcing socialization skills on him/her is just a self-serving act to comfort the parent's anxieties of failure and social rejection.

As if to underscore this theme, the conference ended with the parents breaking up into smaller groups to share ideas and solutions that worked for them. I snuck out the back door before our group formed. Thankfully, and this is why I love her, my wife didn't force me to stay.

I'M NORMAL!!! (for once)

So I did something today that was VERY out of character...

I was assigned by my wife to pick up lunch while picking up my son from preschool. I ordered the kids food, then I ordered what my wife usually gets. In a moment of unexpected brilliance, I quickly checked my phone to see if she wanted something else. Lo and behold, she did. Only one problem...

I had already ordered.

My personal issues with the drive-thru have been discussed before. So she's going to just have to deal with eating what I ordered, right?

NO!!!! Surprising myself - and my wife, who later said she thought I was making it up - I corrected my order and got the food that my wife wanted!

I'm not really sure what got into me, but I was able to admit that I was wrong and change my order, ignoring my fear of looking stupid in front of people. I did make a self-depricating-yet-truthful comment about me being a pain in the ass (I couldn't help it), but I still go tthe job done! And my wife truly enjoyed her Big Mac.

Now maybe she won't nag me as much as usual for the rest of this week.
I don't think she reads this blog. Whatever you do, DON'T TELL HER I SAID THIS.

Hi, Nice to Meet You. By the Way, I Have Aspergers.

Being an Aspie, I find it very difficult to decide when is the right time for "full disclosure" when meeting new people - by which I mean mentioning my Aspergers. Bringing it up too early may seem weird, or it may even sound like I'm trying to make an excuse. Saying it too late may leave a lot of odd behaviors unexplained.

My wife and I were talking with one of the other moms while waiting to pick my son up at preschool, which means my wife was talking with one of the other moms while I stood next to her silently nodding my head every so often. My attention happens to tune in when they begin talking about the challenges of parenting a child with Aspergers - her son, who was in the same preschool as my son, has Aspergers. Almost immediately and without thinking, I nearly blurt out "I have Aspergers, too!!!"

I somehow managed not to make myself look silly, and once I figured out that my Aspie-ness has nothing to do with parenting and Aspie, I figured I was better off not opening my mouth. But it got me thinking about how to approach the issue when meeting someone new. I guess it should just come up naturally in conversation, but (unless this is your first time visiting my blog) you should know by now that the words "conversation" and "naturally" don't play well together in my world.

Yay! I'm Blogging Again!!

Yup, I'm finally at it again. Took a little time off blogging, alternating between being busy with lots of stuff and being lazy doing nothing.

Feeling Out of Place

To those who know me from this blog or follow me on Twitter, I'm sure it's clear that I suffer from a number of social anxieties. While a lot of them may be trivial to most people, it's pretty much standard fare for a person who has Aspergers. One of my fears that I am reminded of on almost a daily basis is my fear of looking stupid.

I'm a pretty smart guy. I like being smart; it makes me feel good. I like knowing how to use semicolons correctly. Somewhere deep inside, part of me believes that my intelligence is all that I have. So when I look stupid, I end up losing respect for myself and I get pissed off. A good amount of my tantrums have been caused by me doing something idiotic and getting mad at myself for it.

I hate trying new things because of this. Trying new things means learning something, and learning starts with not knowing something. The "figuring it out" phase is the worst part because I feel like everyone is looking at me, knowing that I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And don't even say it - asking for help is out of the question because it shows just how clueless I am.

This all comes up today after I went to go work out. My family got a membership to an indoor activity center, with a pool for the kids and a fitness center/gym included (think YMCA, only without the Village People). With the membership I got a free fitness assessment, which was just as much fun as it sounds. The results showed that I needed to improve my upper body strength, a result that even a legally blind person could have come up with just by looking at me.

Now, as you may have guessed, I'm not a "gym guy." I never even set foot on a treadmill before the fitness assessment. I feel completely out of place, and I think everyone can tell that I really don't belong there. So you can imagine how comfortable I am with using all of those complicated weight machines. I can picture it now - standing there looking dumbfounded, scratching my head as I try to decipher the instructions; the snickers and chuckles I'd have to endure as I struggle with the machine, looking more like I'm trying to have sex with the machine than exercise with it; the crushing humiliation when one of the trainers puts their hand on my shoulder, as if to say, "You've entertained us enough for today, you can go now."

I figure that's the best case scenario.

I know eventually I'll get annoyed enough with myself where I'll go all drill sergeant on myself and FORCE myself to do it. Or I'll wait until nobody's around so I can have my accidental weight machine intercourse with nobody watching.

Facing the Truth

When posting on this blog, I have always tried to avoid topics that may be controversial. I try my best not to offend anybody. There is an issue that I absolutely must discuss and, quite frankly, there is no easy way to say it other than just putting it right out there:

When the zombie apocalypse comes, Aspies will be the saviors of humanity.

There's absolutely no denying it. People with Aspergers are better equipped to handle the mental stresses of a post-zombie attack world. Social skills will be valued less, while other skills that are vital to survival will become important - skills such as ingenuity, resourcefulness, and kicking serious zombie ass.

Surviving in a world overrun by the living dead will require the use of effective makeshift weapons. The fate of humanity will rest on our ability to create and use unconventional weapons. There is no group of people more well known for their out-of-the-box thinking than Aspies. For example: a neurotypical person looks ni their garage and sees a bunch of junk. I can look in the same garage and see the materials to make three different types of melee weapons, a crossbow, and a flamethrower. Who do you want on your zombie fighting team?

Aspies can also make the tough decisions when the rubber hits the road. Food supplies need rationing? An Aspie can create a comprehensive feeding schedule based on average calories required and consumed, rotation of food stock per day, and preferred flavors. An injured ally is holding you back? An Aspie can determine if the person is worth saving or not, without all those messy emotions getting in the way. Your best friend has been bitten? An Aspie has no problem killing him. He's technically not even human anymore.

Most importantly, people with Aspergers would be the best zombie killers ever. Most people underestimate how difficult it is mentally to point a gun at something, shoot it, and kill it. It's even harder to shoot at something that resembles a person. It's even harder still to shoot something that, you know, used to be human. I'm willing to bet a good portion of you would wimp out. Not us Aspies. Our emotional detatchment allows us to understand that zombies are no longer humans - they are a threat to us, and must be eliminated in the most permanent way possible. True, Aspies may not look so cool walking around with earmuffs on to protect themselves from the loud gunshots, but it's a small price to pay in order to be a complete badass in all other ways measurable.

Prefectionism Perfectionism

One interesting trait that I notice a lot of people with Aspergers show is perfectionism. The perfectionism usually goes right along with one of the Aspie's main "passions" - if the Aspie is interested in doing something, it MUST be done perfectly, otherwise what's the point in doing it? Note that this is not the same as OCD, although Aspies can show that as well. No, this isn't excessive handwashing or hyper-organization I'm talking about. It's the overwhelming need to NOT BE WRONG.

My daughter is having so much trouble with this right now. She has been absolutely tearing through her home school assignments. She's learning stuff so quickly that she's now getting deep into Grade 2 assignments even though she is only 7. As she comes across subjects that are more complex, it's natural for her not to have all the answers right away.

Try telling her this.

When she doesn't know the answer to a question, she does everything she can to avoid making an incorrect guess. She will whine, cry, overdramatize... ANYTHING to avoind giving a wrong answer. Even after I tell her to take a guess and that being wrong is okay, she still won't give in. She has had full on, hour long tantrums simply because she could not spell the word "bounce."

Although my reactions aren't as extreme, I definitely have a perfectionism issue as well. While it's an asset professionally (I work in a place that pretty much demands perfectionism), it is a drain on my psyche socially. My perfectionism manifests itself as a fear of looking stupid in front of people by doing something "wrong." That's why I'm constantly second guessing my behavior, which accounts for a great deal of my social awkwardness and anxiety.

The good thing is I have learned to cope with my perfectionism to a degree. I've learned that being perfect is pretty much impossible, and that my best effort is all I should be looking for. If I'm wrong, so be it, as long as I tried my hardest to do the right thing. In essence: the best I can do is the best I can do.

Now if I can just get my daughter to believe that bullshit.

Get Smart

There's been debate over whether or not people with Aspergers have higher IQs or are generally smarter than the average population. I'm not going to debate that too much, nor am I going to debate what exactly "being smart" means (knowledge vs. intelligence, etc.). I will say that most Aspies often have an abundance of talent in one or two specific areas. Sometimes, the area that benefits is brain power.

I fancy myself a pretty smart guy. School was a breeze for me, I'm really good at my job and know a lot about it, and I sometimes scare my wife with how many answers I get right on Jeopardy. I've wondered: am I smart because of my Aspergers, or in spite of?

As always, I have a theory.

People with Aspergers don't have a strong sensory filter; it can sometimes be impossible for an Aspie to block out stimuli. Because of this, the Aspie brain is forced to process incoming information at much higher speeds simply to avoid a sensory meltdown (parents of Aspies know that sometimes the incoming stimuli is so overwhelming, these meltdowns can be absolutely unavoidable). It's this adaptation that gives Aspies the ability to process knowledge faster than a neurotypical brain can. They catch on faster. It's easier to "get" it.
Whether or not this ability is used to the fullest advantage differs on a case by case basis - not every Aspie is guaranteed to be a genius. It takes hard work to realize this potential.

I also think Aspies are primed for intellectual greatness because people with Aspergers tend to focus their attention on hard facts. The greatest thing in the world to an Aspie is a question with a definite correct answer. Actually, the greatest thing is knowing the correct answer. Subjects with "gray area" responses - such as social situations and debates - can either be annoying or downright scary to an Aspie. Incoming information from these subjects can often be conflicting and contradictory - there is often no "right" answer. Aspies are are more comfortable with asbolute answers than relative ones.

So don't always think that just because a person with Aspergers seems smarter than you, that means he is. He may know the "right" answers, but he doesn't have all the answers.

The Challenges of Being an Aspie and a Parent

As if parenting a child isn't hard enough...

In spite of my Aspergers, I somehow managed to convince/trick a woman into marrying me. In an even more unbelievable course of brainwashing, I had two children with this wonderful woman. I've since learned exactly why Aspies are awkward in social situations - it's because parenting is EXTREMELY tough for Aspies.

Aspergers makes parenting especially difficult because:
1) you may very well be parenting a little Aspie. Although a genetic component hasn't been confirmed, autism tends to run in families. As a parent with Aspergers, your chances of having a child on the Autism Spectrum are higher than those of a neurotypical parent. Children on the spectrum can be challenging for anyone; an Aspie vs. Aspie situation is only going to be more intense.
2) children are very effective triggers. My children love to climb on me and use me as a jungle gym. I'm completely fine with it, but someone with sensory issues may see this as an intrusion on personal space. Even something as innocent as an infant's cry can seem like an assault on the senses to an Aspie.
3) everything can't be about you anymore. One thing that's great about being an Aspie is you have an excuse for being self involved - you can't help it, it's part of who you are. It takes considerable effort for an Aspie to put the needs of others before their own. But when you are a parent, what you want is almost always irrelevant. Your kids should ALWAYS come first.
4) you have to be in charge of everything. Your child's doctor appointment, paperwork for school, lunches, setting up playdates, keeping organized... all of it is your responsibilty. People with Aspergers very often have trouble keeping their own shit together. Now you're in charge of running your child's life as well. They can't do it. It's all up to you. (Luckily, my wife takes care of all of that stuff for my kids... although that leaves me in charge of my stuff, which is hard enough as it is.)

As difficult as it is, Aspergers can also make parenting SOOOOOO much fun! As an Aspie,  I find it easier to relate to my children. I can slide into "play mode" very quickly and just act like a crazy kid and have fun with them. Discipline is also a breeze when you can dissociate your emotions from your child's responses - "I hate you!" and " You're so mean!" hurt a lot less when logic tells you that they are simply lashing out.

But the most beautiful part about being a parent with Aspergers - at least for me - is it gives you a chance to connect with someone almost effortlessly. I sit comfortably in silence with them, talk endlessly about nothing, I gaze into their eyes and feel the love that every parent has for their child... and I am at peace.

My family is one of my very few comforts in this world, and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Like I'm Not Even There

I will admit that, as an Aspie, I very often come up with overly-elaborate ideas. Sometimes these ideas are a little too complex for their own good. But every once in a while, I come up with a really good thought that will help in a difficult situation.

More often than not, nobody pays attention.

Last week, the maintenance department was waxing the floors in my department. I work in a place where, at a moment's notice, you may have to use just about any and every part of the room. Shutting down part of the department to allow floor wax to dry just won't work, so we try to work around it. Things were going smoothly until it came time to wax this one area which involves a thin hallway-like area.

I began discussing with my coworkers what would be the best way to tackle this area. I started brainstorming about only waxing halfway down the hallway so we could access the other half. Then I came up with the idea that we should wax half of the hallway lengthwise, allowing us to walk down the entire hallway and access anything we would need on either side with an arm's reach.

AWESOME! I figured it out!!!

The next day, they are waxing the entire hallway all at once.
And, of course it's a problem when an emergency arises and we need to get down that hallway.

Yeah. Thanks for listening.

Not to have a big ego or anything, I have Aspergers. People with Aspergers LOOOOOOVE to brainstorm about seemingly unimportant things like this: the most time efficient way to peel an apple, the scientifically perfect color for a certain wall. My brain WANTS to find the best way to wax the floor.

And it's good at it, too! Once again, not to have a big ego... but I'm smarter than you. My idea is a great idea. Did you even think before you started waxing?

IT MAKES NO SENSE.

I've tried hard to be okay with not being listened to, but it's difficult when I KNOW FOR SURE that my idea is better than whatever is being done. But if I'm not in charge, the best I can do is state my opinion and go back to taking care of what I'm responsible for.

Unseen Health Risks of Aspergers and Autism

In general, Aspergers and Autism do not cause higher risk for health problems. Spectrum disorders are mainly cognitive in nature and do not lead directly to issues such as heart disease, cancer, or things like that. However, I believe that people with Spectrum disorders can suffer from health problems that would be routine for neurotypical individuals. It all comes down to prevention.

Most NTs will not be able to understand this, but nevertheless it is true - going to the doctor can be an overwhelmingly social experience. Think of all the social interaction that occurs during a doctor visit:
- the receptionist greets you
- you are required to provide your name, info, health insurance, medical history, etc.
- the nurse/PA greet you and asks you to describe your condition as s/he enters your personal space to pre-examines you
- the doctor greets you and asks you to describe your condition (again), asking more probative questions as s/he enters your personal space to examine you
- the receptionist handles your billing on the way out

All of this may seem simple to an NT... and yes, it is. But to an Aspie, I can tell you that this is a LOT of work. It's enough of a hassle to want to avoid the whole thing altogether.

Imagine being an Aspie for a moment, and it is absolute torture to even have to talk to people that you don't know. Now you are talking to 3 people, revealing intimate details about yourself to them, you are being touched all over. It's a pain. You HATE it. So you find yourself skipping your yearly physical. You have a little bit of pain in your chest? Shake it off. It's easier to deal with the pain than to go through that ordeal again. Next thing you know, you haven't been to the doctor in 10 years and the pain in your chest cannot be ignored. So you FINALLY get yourself checked out, only it's too late. Now you need heart bypass surgery.

It's like that. Aspergers didn't cause the heart disease, but it caused actions that led to the heart disease.

I've been thinking about my elbow lately. I have tendonitis in my elbow from repetitive movement at my job. I've had it looked at and gotten prescriptions for physical therapy. I really feel like the PT could be helpful in relieving some of the pain, but I stopped going after four visits. Why? Because the physical therapy involves me doing exercises for my elbow for an hour while a physical therapist watches. An hour of me sitting with this guy. After 10 minutes, I have nothing to say. I feel stupid talking, but the silence is even more uncomfortable. So I don't go anymore. The treatment is more painful mentally than the condition is physically.

I also think back to the post I made about going to the dentist. I'm lucky that I have strong teeth and gums and my gap in seeing the dentist was only about 2 or 3 years. There could be Spectrumites out there who haven't been to their dentist or doctor in over a decade.

How many of us out there have been skipping cancer screenings because of the sensory issues associated with needles and drawing blood?
How many of us have not had a regular eye exam because of a sensitivity to light?
How many of us are suffering from conditions that can be easily remedied or prevented by easier access to health care?

Failure to Launch

I tried to get a hashtag thing going on with Twitter, but it died on arrival. I figured it would be cool to retweet some of the tweets of my followers, and I called it #FollowerAppreciationWeek. I thought that maybe some people would pick up on it and follow suit, but so far nobody has. To avoid annoying people, I'm just going to drop the whole thing.

I think the boredom of being alone is starting to get to me a little.

A Quiet House

My wife and kids went on a road trip to help out a family member in another state, so I've been left at home alone. Some people may enjoy having this type of time to themselves, but I usually hate being lonely. It's nice to be able to not have to worry about the kids or whatever, but it is still nice to have them around.

I usually don't handle being alone very well. I get bored easily, and my Aspergers does not mix well with boredom. I have some plans for a few things to keep myself occupied, and my work schedule will keep me busy as well, but I will have an abundance of time sitting around the house with nothing to do.

My video games are going to get quite a workout over the next two weeks.

One pleasant thing to discover from this situation: I genuinely enjoy having my family around!

#AspieSuperBowlParty!!

I love the Super Bowl, but I hardly have anywhere to go - I can maybe think of 3 Super Bowl parties I have been to in my life. So, tomorrow, the autism/asperger community on Twitter is throwing our own party! In the spirit of the #AspieParty, this will be an #AspieSuperBowlParty!

I plan to get drunk.

For fun, I decided to come up with a drinking game to go along with watching the game, just in case the score gets out of hand and it gets boring (one of the years I went to an actual party was when the Giants got blown out by the Ravens). I'm inviting everyone to play along!!!

[Note: Playing along with the drinking game is not necessary for participation in the Aspie Super Bowl Party, but having fun is.]

Below are the OFFICIAL RULES for the Aspie Super Bowl Party Drinking Game:

1. Drinking alcohol is not restricted to the following events; feel free to consume as much as desired. However, drinking in accordance with the following events is mandatory.

2. A "sip" consists a gulp from an alcoholic drink (beer/wine/mixed drink/etc.)

3. A "chug/shot" includes one of the following (depending on your ability to handle alcohol):
          a) finishing your current drink
          b) pouring and consuming an entire drink at once
          c) a shot of hard liquor

4. Please drink responsibly. If you are not feeling well and wish to take a break, please do so. And by all means, NO DRINKING AND DRIVING or else you are not invited to the next #AspieParty

5. Consumation in the following amounts must occur when the following occurs:
          a) Opening kickoff - chug/shot (gotta start things off right, huh?)
          b) 2nd Half kickoff - chug/shot (after the halftime show, we might need it)
          c) Any points scored - sip
          d) First Down - sip
          e) Player runs out of bounds - sip
          f) Replay review challenge - chug/shot
          g) Replays of the David Tyree Helmet Catch - chug/shot
          h) Any mentions of Peyton Manning, Colts owner Jim Irsay, or Andrew Luck - chug/shot

I'll be on Twitter during the game for as long as I can remember how to type (@mindofanaspie). Here's to a great game, and a great #AspieParty!!!

The Dentist

I had a rough day yesterday because I had to go to the dentist. I knew it was going to be tough; I even told my wife the day before that I REALLY didn't want to go. But I knew I had to go, so I sucked it up and went and got it over with.

My Aspergers presents me with advantages and disadvantages when it comes to dealing with the dentist. On one hand, my Aspergers has blessed me with a well-above-average pain tolerance. I actually have the ability to unfocus my brain on what's going on in my mouth and focus on tiny details around the room (a poster, the fluorescent light above me, etc.). This makes the actual dental work that needs to be done a piece of cake for me.

The hard part is the social aspect, of course. I can hear you asking, "What about going to the dentist counts as a social interaction?"

The first thing you must know is that my teeth - for lack of a better description - are fucked up. I have major crowding issues, teeth squished into places where they don't belong, and in general I just have a major mess going on in there. It's not pretty. The whole situation makes brushing and flossing very difficult. Although not horrendous, my oral hygiene could be much better. This whole situation is embarassing for me, so it's obviously uncomfortable for me to be poked, prodded, and evaluated on how disgusting my mouth is.

But I got through it! My back was all sweaty, and my head hurt a little, and my wife had to order a pizza as comfort food for lunch... but I made it through! To be honest - and this is a little embarassing to admit, but what else is this blog for? - I was proud of myself for doing it. Maybe I can use this as inspiration in the future when I'm facing a difficult situation; I can do it if I just grit my (horribly disfigured) teeth and go for it.

Dunkin Donuts Ruins My Day

What a bunch of crap.

I had a light lunch the other day, so I decided to grab a snack at Dunkin Donuts (there is one right in the building where I work, which is AWESOME). I have a few coupons I can't decide between, so I grab them all and head on over.

I decide I want to use my "99c muffin with a medium beverage" coupon, because I love the chocolate chip muffins. As I head up to the counter, I notice.... no chocolat chip muffins. They don't even have my fallback option - the cinnamon roll muffin. All I see is pumpkin muffins (WTF is up with that anyway?) and corn muffins (bleh).

Ok, so muffins are out. I shuffle through my coupons and settle on "free hash browns with a breakfast combo" coupon (DD hashbrowns are soooo good). I ask the guy behind the counter if the coupon works with any of the combos on the menu, and he says yes. Excellent, because I like the 2-donut combo but I don't like any of the breakfast sandwiches. So, of course, when I ask for the 2-donut combo, he tells me that I can't use the coupon with that combo; Just the breakfast sandwhich ones count.

Uhhhh, ok. I just asked about that and you said yes, but whatever.
(Inside, I'm getting really pissed, but I'm handling it)

So I say screw the coupons and just get the combo anyway. I order my coffee the way I always do - medium iced coffee, cream, 8 splenda (yes, I know... get off my back, ok?). Oops!!! They are out of splenda.

They are out of splenda.

They.
Are.
Out.
Of.
Splenda.

WHAT KIND OF DUNKIN DONUTS IS THIS FUCKING PLACE?!?!?!?!?!?

... is what I wanted to say. Instead, I just said fine, whatever. I usually keep a stash of splenda in the break room at work for when I make coffee. I grab my stuff and sulk back to work.

When I get back, I find my splenda stash is gone, used up by either me or my coworkers.

Yay.

My Aspergers causes me to like certain specific things in specific ways. When I can't get my way with things I'm accustomed to having my way with, I get very crabby. And this ruined my day in such a spectacular fashion. I was able to find 5 splenda in my bag. I used those and added some sugar free caramel CoffeeMate for sweetness, but I needed to add 2 sugars to make it drinkable.

At least the donuts were yummy.

It's Not As Bad As It Looks

The family went to a kids' music concert yesterday and had TONS of fun. Lots of dancing and jumping around in the aisles, and my little aspie really enjoyed it. A great time was had by all.

Talking to my wife afterwards, I found out that she was a little concerned that I was having a problem with the crowd of people there (the theater was packed with people). Contrary to normal aspie behavior, I'm actually pretty comfortable in a crowd, only because there is very little focus on me as an individual. If I'm allowed to blend in and be part of the scenery, I'm okay with that. Being part of the background is a nice feeling.

(I also think that since I had the opportunity to sit in a corner and avoid sitting next to anybody helped me be comfortable a lot.)

The problem I have is when I get together with a bunch of people and I'm forced to be social with them. If there was some sort of Q&A discussion after the concert, I would have been a nervous wreck. But since everyone else's attention was on the stage, being in the crowd didn't bother me in the least.

I think my biggest social fear is not of being in crowds, but instead it's sticking out in a crowd. It's being that one guy that everyone else is looking at and thinking, "What's that dude's problem?" I'd rather nobody look at me... or even be completely alone.